Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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