i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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