now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
