just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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