Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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