my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
