Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
