there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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