So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
