Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
