Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
