At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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