Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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