I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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