So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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