there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
