New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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