Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
