nut hugger
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
