i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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