You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
