Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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