sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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