This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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