I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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