God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
