If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
