just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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