the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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