I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
