I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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