I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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