"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
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Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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