I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
