I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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