Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
