I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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