I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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