What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
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Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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