I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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