I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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