his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Can I color on your dick again?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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