i will never coherently bang her
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
