i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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