you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
