he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
