Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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