I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
