Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
