Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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