i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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