I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
