there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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