My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
