Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
