I'm so fucking centered right now
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
