he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
