he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
