Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
